Eish!

Vengeful Viognier

If the morning-after doesn’t leave you feeling blinded, extremely sorry or at least mildly green and furry then you need to switch your habit to Vengeful Viognier. Packed with essential polyphenols, antioxidants, flavonoids, anti-depressants, antiseptic and anesthetics – it’s practically a health food.

This wine typically goes well with dishes that are best served cold, such as revenge, malevolence, retaliation, spitefulness, retribution, vengeance, and green salads.

Monkey-Boy Merlot

Get Naked! Start the Revolution!

This wine means Business. Monkey Business.

Straw not included in sale price. If you enjoyed this wine, then why not wipe the drool with our handy wet-wipes?

Womble White

This cheeky young thing is made in the age old tradition of displaced gypsies. Best served defrosted, the Womble White is revered for its chewy texture and almost diabolical resemblance to Cleopatra’s nose.

Possibly Pinotage

A modest yet unpretentious little wine, so much so that we don’t actually know what is in it. The vat was left open for a while but we’re almost positive the cat never went near it.

A strong silent type, it is best enjoyed with lumps of rock salt, loud whistling and a total lack of regard for all things Gaellic. Possibly Pinotage has been proudly banned in three provinces, one hotel parking-lot, being mentioned at Communion, by the French and by my parents.

Bottoms Up! Barolo

With a bouquet like barrel-fermented botulism, this bottle should be held away from open flames and kept out of direct sunlight.

Goes well with:  dodgy prawns, German cuisine involving sausages, certain cheeses, stagnant pond water, most beans, really old fruit, lark’s vomit, milk that’s been left out, a carcass with vultures on it, stewed prunes, East Cape Polony or anything cooked by people with bones in their hair.

This wine is not for sissies.

Shit-Faced Shiraz

This flippant little number possesses an initial, almost corpulent level of chalky undertones, yet manages to finish with a witty bouquet of cardamom and tooth-paste. The syrupy aftertaste can be likened to any of the finest colas while the fleshy and flabby components form a tag team of gristled texture that will strip the snot from your uvula. Despite these lighter elements, the alcohol level is top-notch and we highly recommend you enjoy it plain or out of a paper bag.

Praise for Shit-Faced Shiraz:
“It’s like looking into the eye of a duck and sucking the fluids from its beak”

Modderdam Malbec

A chance union of two cultivars that we know can only improve with age. However, the subtle light-green radioactive glow should decay in 20 to 100 years making it less appealing to children.

Specially decaffeinated by the blistered hands of mine-workers by passing it through a hessian sack, Modderdam Malbec is the loving culmination of a protracted court battle to reintroduce the dop stelsel into our labour camps.