Eish!

Can vegetarianism be trusted?

There is an old adage that instructs us to not make decisions on an empty stomach. Wise words and ones which I try not to take too lightly. It is therefore that I am watchful of what I eat, lest I make a wrong decision based on my protein intake and end up razing Kosovo with a gardening trowel.

The last thing I want is to be grumpy from ignoring my Atkins impulse to consume large quantities of red meat, feeling sorry for myself and having to self-console in ice-cream or movies with teenage girls on ponies or ice-skates.

Those ponies would start to look quite delicious.

You are what you eat, we are told and for this exact reason I am dubious of vegetarianism. For obvious reasons. So consider yourselves warned against rampant and totalitarian Vegetarianism. The nitrogen cycle shudders in its very wake. Consequences are hazardous and potentially dire:

• sheep shall multiply exponentially, with no natural predators, to start an ovine pandemic
• cows will walk the streets, blocking traffic whilst looking for China shops
• we will all be plunged into a green hell where we fight for foraging rights with the very species that we once displayed domain over
• our egos will quake from neglect and our hands will shiver from malnutrition
• our children will scream in the night hungry for a piece of chicken.

Then again, maybe not. We can still eat cake.

As long as it fell naturally from the tree.